In My World

ARLINGTON, Kentucky - Thirteen-year-old Johnny Hamilton (pictured above) has become the next move in the RIAA’s plan of ending “Internet piracy”. The RIAA has used Johnny as their prime example of noncompliance by pushing the courts to sentence him to the death penalty.

The Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) felt it was necessary to make an example out of Johnny. “He may be extremely underage for the death penalty, but we need people like Johnny out there to know we are serious about music piracy,” said Allen Fallsworth, spokesperson to the RIAA.

Court adjourned on Friday, sentencing the thirteenÔøΩyearÔøΩold to death. After being questioned about the unconstitutional ruling, Judge Michael Petton told reporters, “I agreed with the points the RIAA made, but [I] ruled out of my own judgment. In no way was I bribed or swayed by the RIAA.” He then left the reporters, getting into his new 2006 Rolls-Royce Phantom with the license plate reading “RIAA MAN”.

Demonstrators flocked outside the courtroom after the verdict, to protest the unconstitutionality of everything the RIAA was doing. “This is against everything the Constitution stands for, it infringes upon our rights,” said one local protester, Laura Jackson. Later, upon hearing this quotation, Mr. Fallsworth stated, “What we do is legal; nowhere does it say in the constitution that we can not look at something in a person’s home without legal papers. This whole ‘infringing upon rights’ is a thin argument. I mean, it’s called the constitution; it’s not some sort of bill of rights.”

Johnny Hamilton lived out on a farm in Arlington, Kentucky. Last week, his parents got him his first computer and he began surfing the web. Being in an isolated part of town, he was curious about the music he heard his friends at school talk about. Using a program called Kazaa, he downloaded a single from Metallica. Big mistake.

An RIAA officer, watching the transfer connections, noticed Johnny’s download and placed him on “Critical Pirate Alert”, watching his network activity closely. Before Johnny was even able to download his second song, police were already at his house, ready to take the pirate down.

Cops rushed Johnny down to the courthouse where the RIAA pushed for the trial that day. After hearing a testament from a sock puppet, the judge closed the trial and sentenced Johnny to the death penalty, which happened the next day.

At the execution, all formalities were suspended. Metallica was there and instead of electrocuting Johnny, or giving him a lethal injection, they were allowed to hit the thirteen year old until he died.

“It may seem brutal, but he was making the band lose money from the $50 million we had left in the bank,” said Lars Ulrich, band member of Metallica.

In the end of 2002, RIAA started threatening a program called Napster for allowing for free trade of music files, stating that bands were losing profits from CD sales. When asked why the sudden fight for something that had been going on for years, the RIAA responded, “We felt it was time to fight for the helpless bands out thereÔøΩ besides, we needed a way to become known and needed sponsors.”

Napster later refuted that “it helped beginning bands become known”. The Indie-Rock band, Miles From Nowhere, told reporters, “Napster helped us get known by people. Bands who says it hurts them don’t care about the music, and are worried about money that they already have enough of.” When later contacted for a followÔøΩup interview, the band gave no answer, as all of its members had been suddenly and mysteriously murdered.

No word on whether Johnny’s parents are going to sue the RIAA, or even if they still exist.